My kids are trying to destroy me

Do you ever feel like your kids are trying to destroy you? That's because they are.

Why do you think that baby-proofing is a zillion dollar industry?* It's not because Americans love buying crap they don't need. It's because children are on a mission to make their parents look bad, and what better way than to lick an electrical outlet or practice synchronized diving from the open oven door? Total destruction - of your body, sanity, reputation, everything - is the only thing that makes them happy.

Don't believe me? Look at the evidence: 

Babies

• They will scratch out your eyes if given the chance. While you are changing them, while you are rocking them to sleep, while you are playing with them, even while you are trying to keep them alive by feeding them. They are always looking for an opportunity to clench a saggy piece of your flesh in their chubby fists. The look on their face while they remove bits of your skin is either pure hatred or pure glee. I'm not sure which is worse.
• As soon as they can move their wobbly little heads, they Tilt-a-Whirl it into every hard surface in your home. Crib rails, door frames, your teeth. Don't put a helmet on junior unless you want caps.
• Once their eyes can focus, they take inventory of everything that can either kill or maim them. That way when they learn to crawl, they don't have to waste any time locating all of the electrical outlets, staircases, and heavy, unstable objects. Diving headfirst into the tub's metal spout during bath time? How many times is he going to do that?

Toddlers 

• They refuse to eat, especially when someone who is already judging you as a parent is watching. And while that judging judger is busy judging, they make a face that says, "Maybe I would eat more if my mommy tried harder."
• Running full speed at everything is fun! A flight of steps! Jagged rocks! The open ocean! It isn't because they have no fear. It's because they are that determined to make you look bad.
• When they talk, what comes out of their mouth is at best amusing and at worst something that will get you a visit from the Division of Child Protection. "Mommy beat me!" because you won a race earlier that day sounds funnier at home than when it is screamed in the middle of a grocery store, and yet they will always choose the grocery store.

When you do manage to foil their plans, children respond with the ferociousness of a cornered, injured predator. Howls, wails, fist banging, foot stomping, and of course pinching with their little baby razor blade fingers. This is true when you are strapping them into their ultra-safe, ultra-expensive car seats, when you are pulling them away from an open flame, and when you are attempting to remove something teeny from their mouth. Fun fact: Don't swipe your finger too far into a choking child's throat. If you make them gag, they might clamp their jaw shut and bite off your finger. Then you have to worry about them swallowing a tack and choking on your finger.**

Now that is something that would make you look really bad.

*This claim is not supported by facts.
**I learned this in my CPR class, so it is probably supported by facts.