Sunday, February 3, 2013

Why my day is usually a total fail

There are many things I took for granted before I had kids. Like how easy it was to leave the house. Just get up and go. No packing two bags with diapers, wipes, changes of clothes, lotions, toys, bibs, and 10 varieties of snacks and drinks. No children to corral into one location, pin down, and dress for the weather. No realizing that I failed to pack something crucial when we are two streets away from our destination, but being unable to return for it because that would mean driving past a playground and a McDonald's for the second time, and I am not dealing with that catastrophe again.

Back before kids, getting ready when I had the day off started whenever I woke up -- 9 a.m.? 10? The memory of sleeping late fills me with the kind of nostalgia that only a parent who hasn't had a full night's sleep for nine months can truly appreciate. I would wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, grab my purse and go. If I was in a hurry I could do it all in 30 minutes.

Now that I have two children (otherwise known as the slippery fish I have to bring with me wherever I go), getting out of the house starts at 7 a.m. and sometimes takes until 2 in the afternoon. Sometimes, I start at 7 a.m. and give up completely around dinner time. Better luck next time, mom. And that's just to get the kids ready. Me? Shower? "Do it on your own time," my children say. Between 10 p.m. and midnight, when everyone is asleep. Unless they're not.

The whole leaving the house process requires the foresight and strategizing of a military commander. It all starts the night before. I think about the day ahead of me. What do I need to do? How many stops do we need to make? How many times will the baby need to nap (in the car or at home?) How am I going to tire my children out so they will leave me alone by the afternoon? All of these things must be considered. I make a plan. A plan that will fail, and I know it.

There are many kid-sized wrenches that can be thrown into the cogs of my intricately planned day. It all starts when...

My child wakes up too early. My kids usually wake up at 7 a.m., and the baby naps at 9. That's two whole hours to fit in grocery shopping and still make it back before the little guy is a crankasaurus. Except today little Baby Sunshine is bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 a.m. He will need an early nap, probably around 8 a.m., and because I am not going grocery shopping at 6 a.m, we will have to wait and go after he wakes up. But that doesn't always work because...

My child doesn't nap as expected. Did I say I planned on going out after nap time? I had better write those plans in pencil. If I expect the baby to nap at 8, it is possible he will either lay in his crib for an hour before falling asleep for two hours, or not fall asleep at all. Now I have one of two problems. 1.) It is 11 a.m. when he wakes up. By the time I am ready to leave it will be almost lunch. Or, 2.) the baby still hasn't napped and it is 9 a.m. He will be tired any second, but I'm just not sure when that second will come. If I go out with a tired baby, there is always the risk that...

My child falls asleep in the car. Or doesn't. Either way, I'm screwed. If the baby hasn't napped by this point, it's basically a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose situation. If he falls asleep in the car, I have to drive around for 30 minutes or more and hope that's enough sleep to keep him from going nuclear. If the baby stays awake in the car, he will definitely go nuclear. If he sleeps, my 3-year-old is in the backseat waiting quietly for her brother to wake up. No, not really. She is alternating between screaming her head off and asking me questions that have no answer. Of course, being in the car is at least a start. Some days I haven't even made it that far when I realize that it's...

Lunch time! If it's 11:30 and I haven't left the house yet, I just give up until after lunch. If it's 11:30 and I find myself driving around with a sleeping baby in the car, I just give up and go to McDonalds. Because if  nothing else, at least french fries taste good. But naturally after lunch, comes...

Poop. I might think I am ready to go. Just then, my 3-year-old will need to poop. She will sit on the potty for 30 minutes and insist she really needs to go. Maybe she will go, maybe she won't. The point is, I'm not leaving the house. When she is finally done, I bundle everyone up. Layers of clothing and coats, strap everyone into the car seat -- then the baby poops. If I'm lucky, I will only have to unstrap the two of them and change one diaper. If I am not so lucky, I will be washing poop from my baby's armpits, doing a load of laundry, and giving up on going out because the car seat is quarantined in the decontamination chamber (the garage) until someone can hose it down. If there is no poop, there is still the possibility that we won't make it out of the house because...

My child takes an absurdly long afternoon nap. Sometimes when the baby misses his first nap, I don't go out because I know he will be tired any second. I wait and wait, but he doesn't want to sleep until after lunch. Why did I wait? See #3. Once he is asleep, he naps from 1 to 4 p.m. This is a big, fat fail. I don't even try to go out after that. Sometimes it's less frustrating when...

My child gets sick. Scrap the plan entirely. Giving up immediately instead of spending the entire day attempting to leave the house is far less annoying. At least I have an excuse for being in my sweat pants all day. But then the next day the other kid is sick. They continue to alternate diseases for all of eternity. When you wonder why some parents bring their sick children out, that is your answer.

So I've just learned to lower my expectations. Then it's a really happy surprise when I manage to get to one store. High fives all around! Let's treat ourselves to some McDonald's! Maybe we'll actually make it out of the house before dinner time.

No comments:

Post a Comment